Student Life

Biology Students Dissect Teacher’s Failing Marriage

Dissection is a central aspect of the biology curriculum at PHS, as it allows students to directly observe the inner workings of many different species. Usually, biology students are asked to dissect organisms such as mice, birds, and fish. Last week, however, biology teacher Mr. Frank Alberts had his students spend an entire 90-minute lab period dissecting every facet of his failing marriage.

The in-depth analysis of Mr. Alberts’ crumbling relationship with Jane Alberts, his wife of seven years, began with a brief pre-lab assignment, which included questions such as “What makes a marriage successful?”, “Why is trust important?”, and “Why the hell can’t I go out for a few beers on a Friday evening without Jane getting on my case?”

The students then proceeded to make the first incision into the intricate puzzle of Mr. Alberts’ marriage. They spent the next hour or so carefully taking apart and observing the many problems preventing Mr. Alberts and his wife from maintaining homeostasis in their relationship.

Most students noticed several key differences between this lab and their usual labs. For example, most of their labs concern issues such as the process of cellular respiration or how to identify various species of worm using a dichotomous key. This lab, however, was mainly centered around the dilemma of Jane’s refusal to acknowledge that it’s not the end of a world if a man would rather watch the Steelers game than help out with the dishes yet again. And her mother’s a real pain in the neck.

“I was quite taken aback by this lab,” reports an anonymous biology student. “When Mr. Alberts made us use microscopes to examine slides of his wife making him pick up her mother at the airport, I think we were all a bit uncomfortable.”

Although the dissection was certainly an unusual one, most students received full credit on the lab. Gerald Thompson ‘17, however, lost credit after neglecting to wear safety goggles.

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