PHS Shuts Down English Department to Fund Studio Band Trip to Moon

Princeton High School’s award winning Studio Band is no newcomer to costly trips. However, The Dungeon has calculated that travel arrangements for the band’s latest destination, the moon, will cost more than any of its previous journeys.

To help finance this endeavor the administration is shutting down the English department, as  it intends to “better spend [its] resources.” An official in the administration, speaking under the condition of anonymity, reported that “obviously, the trip is far more important for students’ development than any lesson they could learn in the classroom. So, we figured, why do they even need the classroom?”

After purchasing spacesuits, spaceship tickets, astronaut lessons, and zero-gravity instrument cases for all Studio Band members, the administration concluded that there was “simply not enough money left” for paying English teachers or purchasing books. To ensure that the band’s trademark sound remains the same in the moon’s thinner atmosphere, the administration has sold the Fagles Room to pay for a pressurized performing area to be built on the moon.

“We’re prioritizing our funds,” school board treasurer Joey Parker told The Dungeon. “Just like any other school, we pour money into music instead of academics or sports.” PHS proudly reported that unlike its own Studio Band, PDS’s band has never had the opportunity to perform on the moon and had to settle for a performance in the lost city of Atlantis.

“I’d love for my students to learn to appreciate Shakespeare,” said English teacher Sophia Golden. “But I understand the benefits of playing music in far off places.” Most members of the English department have been very understanding, putting the students’ education ahead of their own interests. Sophomore English teacher Dr. Howard Markus, however, has a different point of view. “These trips are wonderfully enriching,” Markus told The Dungeon “but I think they would be much more beneficial if funded by shutting down the Math department.”

All members of the Math department declined to comment on this issue.

“To be honest, I’m ecstatic that I get to visit the moon,” remarked Thomas Alexander ’14. “I can already read and write. This money is being much better spent on my trip.”


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