Hope you had a great summer, PHS! But you know who didn’t have a great summer? West Africa. That’s why The Dungeon is here to give you everything you need to know about heading back to school and preventing the spread of Ebola.
1) Make sure to finish your summer reading assignments on time! You’d hate to start the year off by turning in an assignment late. You’d also hate to suffer from severe headaches, abdominal pain, and vomiting, so don’t forget to wash your hands!
2) It’s easy to get lost on the first day of school–bring your schedule so that you can keep track of where all of your classes are located. If any of them are located in West Africa, you might want to contact the guidance department about making a schedule change.
3) Bring a brand new water bottle. It’s important to drink plenty of fluids. The following fluids contribute to the spread of Ebola: urine, feces, saliva, vomit, and semen.
4) Remember: the first marking period of the school year lasts three months, which is also the amount of time you should wait before engaging in sexual intercourse if you are recovering from Ebola. For more information about the importance of abstinence, contact any former or current Teen PEP leader.
5) Don’t sleep in, summer’s over! On a related note, don’t touch the corpses of people who died from Ebola.
6) Consider this when you’re deciding what to pack for lunch: Ebola can be spread through the consumption of raw bats and non-human primates, or their blood and fluids. Better stick with PB&J!
7) Impress your friends with a snazzy new backpack, and don’t forget to fill it up with plenty of notebooks and three-ring binders. Teachers love students who come prepared! The mortality rate of Ebola is 90%.
8) The U.S. Embassy or Consulate is often able to provide advice on medical facilities where Ebola patients are being treated. Go Tigers!