The Dungeon Advises the Board of Education

The PPS Board of Education and the PREA have been engaged in negotiations over a three-year teaching contract for over a year. The Dungeon Department of Helpful Suggestions has composed the following list of strategies for the Board to consider.

To resolve the dispute, the Board could:

– Require all adults within a four-mile radius of the school to pick up the slack by teaching an Introduction to Sociology class.

– Save money by laying off all teachers at the end of their first year, before they get a chance to move up the salary guide.

– Observe the long term effects of sub-standard high school education by conversing with any current Board member.

– Save space by reverting to the tried and true one-room schoolhouse model.

– Just keep stalling (those bastards will break soon enough).

– Quash public support for the district’s teachers with freshman elections-style posters, featuring such slogans as:

  • “Support the Board; they’re protecting your hoard.”
  • “Support the Board; they’re not boring.”
  • “Who needs Brown when you have the Board of Education?”

– Promote Dr. Dinan to president of the school board: it’s what the people want.

– Hold a canned food drive.

– Give administrators an additional 2.4% raise and in a Reaganesque display of trickle-down education, the problem will resolve itself.

– Reinstate AP review sessions. The College Board, a nonprofit known for its benevolence and generosity, will probably be happy to lower testing fees in order to compensate teachers for their extra time.

-Remind teachers that, while their situation may feel less than ideal, they are doing much better than Thomas Duncan, a man who recently contracted Ebola and is now deceased.



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