Student Life

Freshman Ostracized for Actually Enjoying Peer Group

The freshman class has comfortably settled into the Princeton High School routine. Campaign posters with expertly crafted puns adorn the walls and the uplifting hedonism of recess has been replaced by the soul-crushing tedium of “break.” The school year seems to be progressing normally; however, PHS was stunned this week with the revelation that William Powell ’18 actually enjoys Peer Group.

Powell dropped this bombshell during lunch, letting it slip to friends that he found last week’s discussion of the teenage sleep cycle “thought-provoking and interesting.” Understandably, his peers were shocked. “Will and I have been friends since kindergarten, and I thought I knew him…but I never expected this,” said James Stewart ’18. “It’s like he’s a completely different person.”

Peer Group Leader John Mayburn ’15 was just as concerned upon hearing the news. “One of the most important parts of Peer Group is checking in with your kids and making sure everyone’s doing well, so I’m very worried about William. The pressure of freshman year seems to be getting to him. This is definitely my Low for the week.”

Powell has defended himself, stating that his feelings are perfectly reasonable. “My Peer Group Leaders are great–why shouldn’t I be able to appreciate them?” he said to a worried nurse. “They’re kind and caring, helping us kids out of the goodness of their hearts. I know in my soul that it’s not really just for college.”

Deeming the student a danger to himself and those around him, the administration is considering putting Powell under quarantine until further notice. “Whatever’s going on with him is very concerning,” said an anonymous, bespectacled, bike-loving administrative official. “We can’t have these radical ideas infecting the spirit of PHS. My reputation is stuck in first gear as it is!”

 

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