Sports / Student Life

Homecoming Friday a Blast Among Students

BREAKING — An official police report released today revealed that in an apparently successful attempt to gain the upper hand over the Little Tigers during their homecoming game, Hightstown High School’s football team phoned in an elaborate prank call to the PHS administration late Friday morning. Every man, woman, and adolescent in the building was taken to the turf to what was later rebranded as “a mandatory pep rally.”

Students enjoyed a wide range of activities available on the field, from tanning to lining up outside the one available porta potty to eating turf beads in hungry desperation. “I feel the bodily fluids of dozens of athletes melting into my body from the turf,” said one student. “I’m pumped for the game tonight!”

Several hours into the evacuation, administrators decided to spruce up the festivities by turning on the lights, which were specially ordered by the PTO for the “B16 game.” Eager homecoming organizers also came out midway into the event selling various “spirit week snacks,” though only to students who ordered them in advance. “I did think the snacks were pretty overpriced,” said senior Max Tirado. “But really, what else was I going to do?”

In a statement released by the Little Tigers, head coach Ron Jenkins said, “To think that Hightstown would stoop so low to trip up our traditionally superb football team just makes me sick to my stomach—sort of like being out under the sun for so long without any food.” At press time the Little Tigers, who had up until that point been leading an undefeated season, placed all the blame on “the Hightstown Hooligans.”

“I personally had a great time at the game,” said a Hightstown athlete who wished to remain anonymous. “It was the bomb!”

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