Student Life

Hurricane Joaquin Sinks Entire East Coast into Ocean

imagesSuperintendent Stephen Cochrane announced this Monday that school would be closed for the next 17 years as government workers and construction companies work to lift the eastern seaboard out of the ocean following the complete devastation caused by Hurricane Joaquin. The storm, which hit even worse than anticipated, swung into the Mid Atlantic states amidst false rumors that the winds were shifting its path into the ocean.

“It was a difficult call to make, but in the end I just knew that I couldn’t wait until 5 am the next morning,” said the superintendent. “After we saw the earth fall out from beneath our feet, I knew we had made the right call. Hope families are safe and sound.”

Teachers immediately took to their websites following the announcement. “Students should be aware that all assignments for the days off have been posted to Edmodo,” wrote English teacher Darren Larson. Although the iconic Princeton High School Tower (along with the infamous paper, the Tower) sank to the depths of the Atlantic, some heroic faculty members were able to save the essential PHS Acer Computer Cart 06, with which homework can be completed in refugee camps.

Students gave mixed feelings about the event. “On the one hand, my education being interrupted is a terrible tragedy in the grand scheme of my life,” said would-be junior Julia James. “But on the other hand, heck yeah no school! I also can’t wait to hear Studio Band be the first band to play in a lost underwater city as a prerequisite to their interstellar tour later this year.”

Coaches would also like to note that despite the widespread confusion and devastation, the Varsity Field Hockey and Soccer games will continue as scheduled this week.

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