Local officials announced Saturday afternoon that following the conclusion of Winter Storm Jonas, salt trucks would make routine rounds to not only cover roads, but also the open wounds of bitter students. To ensure students don’t get their hopes any higher about having a snow day in the near future, workers will dedicate one full ton of salt to each student who is still holding onto hope that Monday will be a snow day due to, as sophomore Melissa Reynolds put it, “maybe a power outage or something.”
Superintendent Stephen Cochrane also had some words to share with the community. “Not to make you feel bad or anything, but I’m cancelling all the weekend events instead of school. School will definitely be in session on Monday,” he wrote in a statement. “I’m 100% positive you all will all have to get out of your beds and trudge through the snow to your bus stops before dawn on Monday. Isn’t it crazy? If this storm had happened on any other day of the week, we would’ve had a snow day!”
In response to the overwhelming odds that school will be in session every day as scheduled for the rest of the year, some students tried to form the club “A Sea of White: PPS Students for Snow Days.” Unfortunately, because of the vast influx of club requests from students eager to have “club founder” on their college resume, all requests are being delayed through June 2016.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie came all the way from campaigning in New Hampshire excited to watch students depressingly walk into school on Monday. “I really need a break from politics,” Christie said. “And nothing says relaxation like sitting outside the Princeton High School tower on my king sized lawn chair watching miserable kids!”
We at the Dungeon take journalistic integrity very seriously, and thus it is with the greatest regret (joy) that we must retract this lead story. We are extremely sorry (happy) to have to do this, but in light of the Princeton Public Schools’ cancellation of Monday’s school, we unfortunately (thankfully) must apologize for our grievous (marvelous) mistake.
Yours in Journalism,
The Dungeon Editorial Staff