Student Life

The Tower Releases Annual Senior Proficiency Ratings

This past Friday, The Tower released its much anticipated senior proficiency rating in its final issue of the year.

“This is a map where we group each student with the university they’re going to,” said the Editor-in-Chief. “This allows our readers to look up the students’ colleges and assess their knowledge, capabilities, IQ, and general worth. This is usually done by looking at the acceptance rate of the college.”

James Bailey was very pleased to see what college his arch-nemesis from freshman year English class got into. “He’s going to a school with like a 30% acceptance rate,” Bailey said. “I mean, that confirms every suspicion I ever had about him. The guy’s a good-for-nothing dope.”

Bartholomew Smith, meanwhile, was shocked to see that some students were either undecided or failed to respond. “For me, that says two things,” Smith said. “Either the student can’t make up his or her mind and needs to get their life together, or they’re too embarrassed share their college. That, to me, shows weakness.”

In addition to the map, The Tower printed an easy-to-use alphabetical list for more efficient judging.

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