Dear Seniors of PHS,
As early decisions are coming in, we at the Dungeon feel that, as your number one source for PHS-related news, we should give it to you straight.
You’d better get into your top-choice school.
What do Bill Clinton, Dr. Seuss, and Oscar Wilde have in common? All of them were visionaries in their field, unafraid to break barriers even if came at the expense of their reputation. Just kidding, all of them got into f*cking Oxford.
“It’s fine,” you say, “I can settle for Dartmouth.” Are you joking? Everyone’s going to know your shame, everyone’s going to know what you did. The Tower will put you and your regret on display in their Vanguard section at the end of the year. Everyone will know that you’re in for a shameful, pointless life.
In fact, you disgust us. Compromising isn’t an option. It’s top choice or bust. Why do you think the school made you read “Into the Wild?” Because it’s a riveting account of human independence and how our decisions affect our loved ones? No, you worthless turd. It’s a handbook on what to do if you find yourself attending some second-tier school like Emory: go into the forest and never come back.
And to those that are telling themselves that this isn’t really that important, or that it won’t be the end of the world if they don’t get in, cut the crap. Your future wellbeing is at the mercy of an admissions officer right now and you should recognize that immediately.
So good luck, PHS, we know you’ll deliver. But to anyone who isn’t accepted, shame on you.
P.S. “Emotional intelligence” is intelligence for stupid people.