Local / Student Life

Junior’s Last Thread of College Hopes Shredded with Discovery of Naviance


Princeton High School Junior Adam Norton was admitted to the University Medical Center on Sunday night after what his parents described as a “painful, unsettling ordeal.”
According to the student’s mother, Anne Norton, Adam was already feeling down about a few of his Quarter 3 grades when PHS college counselor Patti Lieberman sent out an email to all juniors.
“Hello everyone!” the email read. “I hope you’re all having a great school year. I just wanted to let you all know that the Naviance portal is now available to all juniors. You may now discover schools with the search portal, and see what college could be right for you!”
According to Norton’s email log, the message was received at 7:13 PM.
At around 7:15, Norton’s mother heard a scream from her son’s bedroom.
“I ran into his room, thinking he’d fallen or something,” she said. “But he was just staring blankly at his computer screen. When I asked what was wrong, he just kept mumbling ‘the numbers, the numbers, look at the numbers.”
Mrs. Norton then glanced at her son’s computer screen, and saw a friendly-looking graphic with various percentages and statistics. Once she realized that these numbers indicated the average accepted GPA, SAT score, and acceptance rate among other things for Dartmouth College, however, she understood her son’s pain. “Given his dismal performance this past year and a half, he should have been more shocked,” she said.
Mrs. Norton grew slightly more concerned when her son collapsed on the floor, drenched in cold sweat. She finally decided to take him to the hospital when she lost his vital signs.
“All I can say is that the kid should study up,” a Naviance spokesperson said in response to a request for a comment. “If he dies, he dies.”
Norton’s AP English III teacher, Sarah Monroe, whose class is reportedly the main reason for Norton’s unsatisfactory performance this year, said she was looking forward to his extended absence. “After reading his most recent essay, I personally hope he never comes back,” she said. “Adam Norton, if you’re reading this: go to hell.”


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