Arts

NASA’s Cassini Spacecraft Crashes Into PHS Band Room

After two decades of exploring Saturn’s beautiful rings and moons, NASA’s Cassini Spacecraft suffered a critical systems failure, causing it to plummet directly into the PHS Band room. Several stands, chairs, and the prestige the band program had been building for decades were all lost in the destruction.Cassini’s flight specialist Dan Ascher commented, “We were aiming for Saturn, but the guidance system malfunctioned and targeted the next largest body full of hot air.” 

“I didn’t even know we had a band program” commented freshman James Mitchell after losing his closest friend, Adam Levenson, who tragically passed away in the crash after being hit by several flying instruments. Authorities have yet to determine whether the flying instruments were the result of the probe’s crash or a pissed off band director.

The band program offered its own press release about the issue: “NASA needs to understand that the students in our program learn things that could change the way they see the world and even the solar system. We are demanding that NASA rebuild the room and attach a necessary fourteenth trophy case.”

The Band Parent Association is currently working on scheduling a bake sale to raise funds to repair the room and the program’s ego.

Cassini

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